Even if it Kills Me

There must have been a good reason why I am watching these films only now.

This morning Waking Life. Sheesh. It’s the ultimate answer for the bipolar overthinker.

Where there is fire, we will carry gasoline. – Waking Life

Irreversible. Maybe 3 or 4 years back I was easily offended. I still am. And I stick to my belief that murder is less heinous than rape. Always.

Time destroys all things. – Irreversible

Tonight, (Uh guys? 2:02am is still within the bracket of “night,” right?) Dead Poets Society. I can’t remember the last time I cried. Oh wait. I cried last week upon the discovery of Michael Scofield’s death at the end of Prison Break Season 4. After 4 seasons’ worth of shit you just Deus Ex Machina him at the end? Fuck.

Oh yeah, dead poets. I’d love to be one of them and "suck the marrows out of life."

(I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,)

I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world.

-Walt Whitman

Or if that's too highfalutin for you,

All right godamnit. Carpe diem. Even if it kills me.

- Dead Poets Society

Ken

The Best Place To Be

Ahoy mates!

I’m sorry I forgot the whole welcome remark shiz on my previous and first entry. I was so affected by Irreversible that some of my neurons just stopped working.

I decided not to post hardcore thoughts on Facebook anymore because most of my contacts there are not exactly people I would dodge a bullet for. Why would I let them in the complicated endless dark maze that is my brain? So I thought I’d revert to Multiply. Then again, a lot of people there are just there to clutter cyberspace with ugly vanity shots of them and their boyfriends and/or girlfriends.

So.

October 24^th, 2009. 0040 hours, GMT +8. I was in bed trying to fall asleep (a task which has been quite Mission:Impossible-esque the past several months). I’m not sure if it was the eeep several hours before but I was in that transition between wakefulness and sleep when I started feeling something.

The lights were out. I was not moving on my bed. I was listening to my iPod on shuffle mode.

Ladies and germs, I felt Brandon Boyd making love to yours truly.

I told myself, “What the eff? I’m still about 36% awake. Open your eyes Trixie. Open them and you’ll see you were just dreaming.”

The groggy Trixie: How can I be dreaming when I’m not even completely asleep yet?

Just open your eyes.

Rrrrrr.

Open sesame. Dark empty room.

Hala. Walang ganyanan bilang Halloween na, okay?

I closed my eyes. There it was again. I could feel his body. We were in motion.

(I just talked to VidaFaith about this and she asked me how it felt like.)

It felt like dancing underwater.

And I could really absolutely feel it. I could feel his limbs, his torso, his hair, everything. All of his with mine.

Then I talked to the Universe. I said, if this is real, if Brandon IS in a similar vibe or transition at this exact moment, then tell me.

Lo and behold, begrudge, belittle, the next song plays—Here In My Room.

Woke up the following morning. Went straight to the toilet like I always do. I noticed that my body was sore, I felt tired. My muscles hurt. I tried to remember what I did the day before. I didn’t run.

Whoa.

In that transition between wakefulness and sleep equivalent to a moment in a parallel universe where time and space mean nothing; with our metaphysical, transcendental selves, we made love. 

Neat-o.

While You Enjoy Summer

I was watching Irreversible. I saw a clip of the film several years ago and figured that I first needed to prepare myself emotionally before watching the whole thing. Took me years. Now that I feel like I have a smudge of enlightenment, I watched it holding my breath.

Can I just say that Gaspar Noe never fails to agitate and disturb me? The flow was genius (screenplay and editing-wise). The cinematography was very appropriate. The actors, well, they made me cringe and shrivel inside. Disturbingly beautiful. Even the OBB and CBB*! I think those are the best parts actually. And what's cooler is that the film starts with the end of Noe's other film I Stand Alone which is one of my favorites.

And because I don't like watching stuff that people shove into my face, I'll probably watch 500 Days of Summer after a year or two. Or 500 days.

* opening and closing billboards