Out of Control on Videotape.

When I'm at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
and he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
and i have it all here
In red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my center
When I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
I'm talking to you before

No matter what happens now

You shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been 

The most perfect day I've ever seen.

- Radiohead

- Judah in my line of sight

Wujoovileeb?

"By all accounts we are damned, regardless. But I am hoping, maybe foolishly, that we will get some measure of credit for trying."
- Carlisle Cullen

Who would have thought that the answer to my quandary would come from a beautiful mythical doctor vampire? I have to admit. That was a bull's eye. I would give him 7 pints of my blood for that. He just has to text me and it's done.

One more answer I got from Twilight:

"As if he never existed."
-Bella

Is the answer to stupid quandary number 2. I have murdered him in my mind and I've cleaned up the evidence.

I still cannot believe that Twilight answered 2 of the "top 3 kaputahans"* that have happened to me so far.

*determined by Dr. Langit

I think that motherfather book found me at the right place, at the most opportune time (as Capt. Jack Sparrow would say).

I'm invincible now. I don't care anymore yet I am more wary. I've lost everything but my friends, my fats and my boat. I always come out angrier, hungrier.

Screw you still, 2010. Magsama kayo ng Universe. Malapit na ang katapusan n'yo.

Kinikilig Sincerely

Ang tagal ko nang hindi kinikilig sincerely.

Friday last week was an ordinary retarded addict rowing day.

When we were headed back to the docking area, the tide was higher. The Takeshi's Castle stepping stones were submerged in the black dagat ng bazoors water with styro bits on top.

There were a lot of other boats unloading at the same time--Fleet Marine, Rowers' Club and Drago. And then us. We couldn't park any closer to the stairs because we would scrape and screech on the temporarily-invisible stepping stones.

I was second man that day. So Cones stepped off and held the boat as we all unloaded. Chino was already at the top of the stairs. Oh hell. Thigh-deep blackness. Lord, please make the stones dodge my feet. Slowly but surely. Surely, I half-stepped on a sharp rock on my first step. Everybody else driftwood was wading around me.

Suddenly.

A bicep was standing to my right, arm outstreched saying: Hawak.

Stare at biceps. Panic for 0.7 seconds. I decided to grab his left shoulder. We wade together all the way to the steps (which was probably a good 3 meters). The biceps then helped me up the stairs.

Me: Thank you po.
Biceps: 'Wag nang "po."
Dying me: Sige po. Ay! Sigiii. *Ngiti abot Star City*

Flashback 30 minutes prior.

My boat was resting. Biceps' team passes us. He was driving seated. His abs were doing the steering. Heehee.

Flashforward to the parking lot huddle. Why have I never noticed this dude before? Oh right, we don't really get to see the faces of the other boats up close. But I could see his biceps from a mile away in the farting lot.

Should I find out what his name is? Too late the hero. I'm gone in 70 seconds. I guess it's all right. This way he'll never be an asshole in my memory. He'll always be the chivalrous biceps in my imagination.

We have about 5 more training days, Biceps.

T.A. and B.

I have never felt more alone and restless than in the past week.

When you are unemployed, single, young, agitated and you have disowned your biological mother, you feel like shite.

I've been calling people all day (with my new super unlimited mobile phone line!) but everybody seems to be busy doing their own stuff like having a life.

*tumbleweed, tumbleweed*

So I have been reminiscing about my life in Taiwan and how I miss my Taiwan crew. It's been a year and one month since I came back to this harsh reality that we will give the code "MNL."

*deep inhale, deeper exhale*

Then suddenly Alexis sends me an empty e-mail with the subject "BITCH". (Yes, in all caps.) It just came with this attachment:

This is the badass bracelet I gave him before we parted. I have one too. He's T.A. which stands for Torres, Alexis but mainly Tight Ass. I am his bitch so I am Bitch. And on a daily basis, I think I really am. So.

We haven't spoken in so long. Feels like 2 lifetimes actually. (The Taipei lifetime then the Abu Dhabi lifetime.) It's just amazing how he would send a signal (of faith) at this time when I feel like the loneliest piece of beautiful crap. 

Soon enough, Alexis. I have no idea what's up in Paris but you're in my thoughts every single retarded day.

Dad is Bruce Lee.

This is my biological dad. It's his birthday today. This is his only formal photo where he's actually smiling. He never smiles in pictures. As soon as he sees a camera pointing at him, his face turns deadpan.

Tito Marcy (as I sometimes call him) is half Chinese, half perfect diplomatic diction.  He's quite a strict but he's as calm as a tribal chieftain.

I am the son that Tito Marcy never had. He taught me lots of shit about cars, carpentry, plumbing, The Beatles, climbing trees, buko opening, wines, basketball and how to drive. Now I drive better than him. Hehe. We're still dreaming of owning an amphibious German battle tank.

My old man is very supportive of my assorted endeavors--from pep squad to dragon boat; Taiwan to Abu Dhabi. He always says, "Go!" because he says he wants me to grab all the opportunities that he never got when he was younger. And he says he doesn't have much material shiz to pass on to me so he worked his gall bladder off to send me to the best schools.  (Let's go UP! Wooooo!!!)

When I entered UP, he gave me his UP ID (his student number was 69-something) and his library card. I still have them.

It feels strange training with the boat almost everyday and hanging out with Bryan because he looks like my dad when my dad was in his twenties. It's like a time machine gift. 

I'm losing my (runaway)  train of thought. 

 

I love Dad. 

Today we die all over again.

Nothing.

I don't feel anything yet.

I'm feeling a bit powerless and a bit helpless.

But it's so quiet inside me, my burp is like a nuclear explosion.

Now what Trixie? Good job on the ambitious gamble. So many people believed in me and I let everyone down. Even the Taiwan Consul was rooting for me. They called the university to verify the worst.

For the very first time, Dr. Langit and I were on the phone and we had no words. He just woke up from a makeup nap after a 32-hour duty and I was in the toilet. No words.

I sorta felt this coming because I had a premonition of the CamSur race in September but I haven't had any premonitions of my supposed enrollment in Taiwan. I'd like to talk to the manager of premonitions.

I am allowing myself a few days of deadness. I just wanna lie and disappear. Like how Johnny Depp's character was swallowed by an inverted waterfall of blood on a bed in the original Nightmare on Elm Street. 

Watch it here.

Shall I bury myself in the sands of Abu Dhabi? Shall I try again next year? Shall I plant some agent orange in that university? Shall I call Ang Lee? Shall I eat a whole chocolate cake by myself?

I'm not gonna ask the Universe why because I know life is tougher for evil queen bitches.

At the end of the day when all my self-esteem has abandoned me, I take refuge in an awesome fact and I just have to smile a very evil, smug smile because I don't come from UST.

"There's gotta be more to life than this.

There's gotta be more to everything I thought exists."

-Payable On Death

Today we mourn for another.

Nothing has even unfolded yet and already I must bury another possibility. Because I am not one to steal, I wear my black dress yet again and bow my head in silence (and delayed onset muscle soreness). I say farewell to what could have possibly been.

- I could have dug deeper to discover that you're not the competitive uss (British for ass) that most people think you only are.

- We could say good morning to each other by the bay four times a week with a smile that says I'm real glad to see you even at this inhumane hour.

- We could wait for each other to finish showering so we could eat breakfast together like elephants fresh from a 7-month hunger strike while our wet clothes stew in Manila Bay water in the same plastic bag.

- I could bring you to work afterward and sincerely wish you a great white collar day.

- I could wait for the end of your 9 working hours with much anxiety.

- I could help you name ten artists.

- We could fly to any (Etihad) destination together.

- You could have met my uncle's Beetle collection.

- I could be a hundredfold happy for you when the men's boat finally gets medals. Heehee.

- I could have gone to church with you despite my paganism.

- We could have proven each other wrong.

But because things are the way they are and I would rather lock myself up in my room and sulk emo punk style than destroy stuff, I will try to stay out of your way before I get any happier.

Meanwhile, I'll try to be content rowing while looking up at you in front yelling at us and telling me my lifting arm is being retarded. Or listening to you from behind while you say, "Looking good UP!" (pretending I am UP.)

Wherever you may be, I'm sure the water is light as long as I follow your pace. 

Fare thee well, chong. See you tomorrow at the bay.